Transformation Through Forgiveness: From Self-Loathing to Self-Love

Self-loathing can show up when you least expect it and can live in your psyche without your even knowing it. It’s like a dirty little secret that only you know about. You fear others will find out so you bury it into the deep recesses of your consciousness, hoping that it will never surface. The irony is that what you think is hidden is really radiating out from you by the choices you make, the relationships you are in and even in how you look. Do you smile often, welcoming the world? Or is there a heaviness surrounding you that drains you of energy? By masking those parts of you that you hold in judgment in darkness you are actually perpetuating your self-loathing, not healing it. By denying your darkest thoughts their natural path to the surface you are holding them in a place where they will take root and soon begin bearing bitter fruit.

Self-loathing can bear this fruit in many ways. Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?

Maybe it’s the comment you didn’t make when someone disrespected you because you felt too unworthy to speak up for yourself? You make matters worse by beating yourself up and obsessively thinking about what you should have said.

Maybe it’s the continued verbal abuse you allow a family member to throw at you? It’s not okay for anyone to scream at you and put you down….including you! Do you believe you deserve this?

Maybe it’s the obsessive negative thoughts you have about your body, your weight, your job, your finances, your family? These unhealthy energy-drainers steal your inner resources for making lasting healthy choices and changes.

Step 1:  Right now take out a piece of paper and divide it into 4 Columns.  Title them:  Column 1 = “Situation”, Column 2 = “My Responsibility”, Column 3 = “My Self-Judgment” and Column 4 = “Reframing Through Forgiveness”

Step 2:  In column 1, list all the circumstances you are currently complaining about. Simply list them; you will begin looking at them in more detail in the subsequent steps.

Step 3:  Carefully go over the list and look at your responsibility in each situation. List your insights in column 2. This is not to make you see where you are wrong, only where you are blocking positive opportunity. This actually transfers the power of change and possibility back into your hands. When you blame external factors for your situation, you are living from a victim consciousness and this disempowers you.

Step 4:  In column 3, write down your self-judgments in each circumstance. In these situations, did you make a decision before having all the facts and lack self-trust because of it? Did you judge yourself as stupid or inept because of it?

For example: Look at all the people today who lost their life-savings based on what they thought were “tried and true” methods of investing. Would you be willing to look at the fact that you did the best you could with the information you had and stop beating yourself up? Instead, choose to learn the lesson now, so you can move on and avoid a similar lesson in the future. And always be kind to yourself. Being mean to yourself doesn’t help anything. It just increases the negativity in your day and reinforces your self-loathing.

Step 4: In column 4, write down how you could see these circumstances in a positive light if you were to reframe your thinking through the light of forgiveness. Forgive all your self-judgments. It’s time to really let yourself off the hook this time. Look at the list you made in Step 2 and notice if you are still holding onto your anger. If you are then I want you to start reframing your judgments. Instead of holding on to the judgment that you are stupid-let that go and instead realize that you were doing the best you could with the information you had. If you could have done better-you would have. I believe that whole-heartedly. Do some soul-searching. Was there a step you missed? Were you in denial about something so you didn’t see the situation clearly?

It’s your job alone to take back your power by becoming aware of when you are thinking negative thoughts about yourself. No one else can do this for you.

Step 5: In the future moments when you notice that you are having a negative thought about yourself, make the decision to think of something good about yourself instead. It’s your world and your mind—how about filling it up with beautiful thoughts about yourself? A key question to ask yourself in order to shift your energy is, “What’s the lesson for me here?” Awareness is power and your path to power and possibility.

Remember that as you learn to love yourself, and make your decisions from that loving place, your whole world shifts into the realm of positive possibility through the lasting power of forgiveness.

© Copyright 2009 Brenda Adelman

Want to reprint this article in your ezine or website? You may, as long as it remains intact and you include this complete blurb with it: Brenda Adelman, MA in Spiritual Psychology, referred to as The Queen of Forgiveness, teaches people who have a lot to offer but are stuck, how to become present, enjoy more success and peace in their relationships and lives by letting go of old and new resentments using the art of forgiveness. For FR*EE tips on how to finally be happy and free visit www.forgivenessandfreedom.com.

Performance of The Vagina Monologues

I’m in magical Sedona this week. I’ve co-produced V-Day Sedona for the past several years and this year the producer/ director, Mindy Mendelsohn invited me back to perform in the production at The Sedona Creative Life Center. The show goes on this Friday and Saturday.

V-Day is a non-profit organization and worldwide campaign to stop violence against women and girls primarily through raising awareness and funds through global benefit productions of the show, The Vagina Monologues. Since its inception by founder Eve Ensler eleven years ago they have raised over 60 million dollars for the cause.

It’s such an honor to join a cast of amazing women and I love my monologue this year. I perform The Angry Vagina.

I was cast in the show in 2005 in a production in Flagstaff and the following year I made the decision to bring the controversial show to a Sedona audience for the first time. I was scared. I hadn’t produced a show before. I was new to Sedona but I followed a knowing inside me that I needed to do this. I committed and the help I needed fell into place. It turned out to be a big success for our community and for our local women’s shelter. They received ninety percent of the earnings from the show. Ten percent went to the worldwide campaign–helping women in New Orleans and around the world.

So here’s some questions for you:

How do you want to serve? Do you believe service and joy can go together? What are you scared of that is pulling you into action anyway? I encourage you to go within, muster up your courage and go for it. The rewards you’ll receive and the gifts you’ll give will surprise you.

Let me know about your successes.

Forgive and Be Free,

Brenda

How to Forgive Your Mother’s Betrayal So You Can Truly Stand in Your Power

My mother died in 1995. As many do after someone dies, I put her up on a pedestal. It’s only now, fourteen years later, that I have begun to look at the affect the unhealed parts of our relationship have had on me and the unanswered questions they have left for me. Would we have resolved our issues had she lived? Would I have been able to stand forth in my own feminine power with her big personality hovering over me? Could I have forgiven my judgments of her?

My mother loved me. This was never in question. She was controlling. I’m sure she thought it was for my own good. When she pushed me to go out of my comfort zone, I resented her and sometimes withdrew—thinking this made her wrong and me right somehow. But I was really hurting only myself and setting myself two steps back. When I soared past the limitations she had set for me she felt betrayed and abandoned. Such was the time when I moved to Europe instead of just traveling there for a summer the year I turned 22. After all, she was no longer the center of my world. I thought she was selfish and I am sure she thought the same of me.

Now I realize that she didn’t know any better. And because she didn’t know any better, she couldn’t do any better.

Is your mother controlling? Did she try to control you in the past? What if that control is not something she’s doing against you but is simply coming from a place of her own loneliness and inadequacy? Could you find compassion then? The key thing here is to know that you are not condoning her behavior or forgetting what she has done. You are filling yourself with compassion when you think about her so that you feel better inside.

This also allows you to be in charge of your own life. Instead of being emotionally triggered by her demands, take a moment to take a breath so that you can transform your anger or anxiety into compassion to make healthier choices from that place of equanimity. You are in charge of your life and decisions. The sooner you take responsibility and overcome the challenges of change, the sooner you will enjoy more freedom and peace in your life.

Some of the people I have worked with over the years have felt stifled by their mothers. Women felt like their mothers were in competition with them for their fathers’ attention and they hated their mothers’ because of it. How do you think this would affect your relationship with other women? One woman realized that she never trusted women because of this unhealed material with her mother. Imagine the freedom and love that came into her life when she stopped looking at other women through untrusting eyes.

A male client told me that his mother never approved of any woman in his life, even his wife, causing disharmony and a tug of war inside him as to who should be placed first. He felt disloyal by choosing his wife over his mother at times and felt a strong draw to make his mother feel like she was always first for him. His mother had a hard time letting go as well. It is amazing how much more peaceful he became when he achieved clarity on what was really important to him. This allowed him to take responsibility for his choices and make mindful ones rather than doing things out of habit. He was able to stop blaming his mother and his wife for their demands. He made a clear decision from a centered place inside of him where he could energetically send love to everyone involved.

Here are two life-changing and freedom-giving reasons to forgive your mother:

1. When you hate your mother, you hate a part of yourself. This may seem counter intuitive at first. You may even feel like you are protecting yourself with your anger because this is the only way you know how to keep her at a distance from you. Truth is that we live in an energetic universe and the energy that you send out comes back to you. If you crave more compassion in your life, be mindful of when you aren’t feeling compassionate and change that. If you are blocked from finding compassion for what your mother did to you (or is currently doing), switch your thoughts to something you are feeling compassion for. Maybe you have a good friend who you love or a pet. My love for my dog never fails me.

Continue to set compassionate and thoughtful boundaries with your mother. Limit the amount of time you see her or speak to her. Be open to the possibility that she may actually change as you stop being judgmental of her. This isn’t guaranteed but it can happen.

It is never too late to forgive. If your mother has passed on, it is really important for you to do this work now to alleviate any guilt that you may be living with. Guilt is poison to your spirit.

2. If you want more good/ joy/ abundance/ love in your life, then you must make a shift within yourself to eradicate anything which is counter to that positive energy. By making your mother wrong you are hanging on to judgment. Imagine what your life would be like if instead of trying to change her or living in regret or acting out, you could move on and spend your time on more positivitly. Release the negative and open the doors to your kingdom of freedom and peace where you’ll be better able to meet the love of your life, enjoy time with your children and friends, take up an artistic project so you can express yourself creatively, travel to those dream destinations, see more prosperity in your business, contribute more to your community.

Let me state this clearly—forgiveness is for you so you can be happier and experience more peace every day.

Coaching Steps – What to do now:

1. Keep a journal with you and note how many times a day negative thoughts about your mother take over your mind. The first step to healing is bringing this negative pattern of thought to your awareness. Forgive yourself for time lost, and make a commitment going forward to be kind to yourself. Today is the first day of your new life filled with freedom and peace of mind. In one week read over your journal. Note any patterns that show up. And then throw your journal out and start again.

2. In last month’s article on How to Forgive Your Father’s Betrayal, I laid out the tools for you to start practicing forgiveness of your judgments about yourself. I’ve learned that all judgments can somehow be turned back on us because as people we project our feelings and thoughts onto others. For example: If I judge my mother as mean-spirited then I need to look at where I am mean-spirited. When I’m aware and honest within myself, I can easily see that I can be mean-spirited towards myself when I don’t stick to healthy choices in my self-care. By forgiving myself for the mistakes and missteps I might make in this the world, I see changes for the better. This tool also allows for your forgiveness work to be in your own hands because you are not depending on someone else to change to make things better.

You can change your life by changing your patterns of thought and how they manifest in your behavior. Do this work and see the abundant freedom that comes from truly forgiving those who have betrayed you and the past wrongs you have done to yourself because of it.

© Copyright 2009 Brenda Adelman

Want to reprint this article in your ezine or website? You may, as long as it remains intact and you include this complete blurb with it: Brenda Adelman, MA in Spiritual Psychology, referred to as The Queen of Forgiveness, teaches people who have a lot to offer but are stuck, how to become present, enjoy more success and peace in their relationships and lives by letting go of old and new resentments using the art of forgiveness. For FR*EE tips on how to finally be happy and free visit www.forgivenessandfreedom.com.

Forgiving the judgments we hold against our family

It’s been a while since I blogged. How many of you have enough time in the day to get to everything you want to do, share and be? Do you complete everything on your list? Are the piles of papers on your desk finally organized? Did you throw out what you didn’t really need? If you have some tricks and short-cuts for me please comment here and let me know.

Now you may think that the clutter or disorganization has nothing to do with your past or present un-forgiveness. But I’m going to challenge that belief this week.

I believe that one way that unhealed issues show up is in clutter and disorganization. Did you have a parent that was disorganized, a hoarder, or a pack rat? What effect did that have on you? Are you ultra-clean or does a level of disorganization actually feel comforting and natural?

I had a big aha recently when I realized that the disorganization in my home office was directly related to my mother’s disorganization. It’s like I had inherited it after she died. Don’t look to make any logical sense from this. This all happens unconsciously until you make a commitment to really live your best life. When you do all unhealed issues come to the surface so they can be addressed. It’s good to have support when it does.

I had judged my mother harshly for her inability to be organized when she was alive. After she died I not only inherited things (I moved a lot of furniture, her artwork, paperwork into my place) but I also took on the very judgement that I held against her as a judgment of myself as I started to become disorganized and not know how to let go of things.

So today I boldly and openly forgive my mother for her clutter and disorganization knowing that she was doing the best she could and I affirm that I can change this pattern in myself now. I don’t need to beat myself up anymore for getting overwhelmed sometimes and not having things in perfect order, just like I didn’t need to judge her for not living up to my expectations when she was alive.

There is real freedom in forgiveness of judgements.

If you haven’t downloaded my ecourse on The 5 Top Reasons to Never Forgive and Why You Should, (on my home page) I suggest you do and start experiencing more freedom and joy today.

Opening Hearts by Forgiving the Unforgivable,

Brenda

How to Forgive Your Father’s Betrayal

How to Forgive Your Father’s Betrayal
So You Can Have More Love in Your Life Now

Did you know that if you are angry, un-forgiving and resentful of your father you are actually hurting yourself? Think about it for a minute. Who holds that anger in their body and mind? You or him? This energy becomes toxic to the person feeling it and usually shows up as depression (which can be anger turned in on oneself) or a high level of anger toward others (those who you love and don’t deserve it) or as sickness (the anger creates stress within you and all kinds of blockages). How can you truly accept yourself as a good man if you hate the very man that gave you your life? How can you allow men who are honorable to cherish you as a partner/woman if you don’t trust them at your core?

I know this very well because I was so angry and un-forgiving of my father for shooting and killing my mother in 1995. I didn’t consciously know this at the time because I was in denial as a coping mechanism.  I shifted from loving him and missing the father I believed I had before my mom’s death and hating him and wanting him out of my life. Because I was unaware of my full level of bitterness, I fell into a depression. It was easier on my nervous system to deny my feelings of rage—or so I thought. I gained weight. I felt apathetic about most everything. I put a wall up between me and almost everyone. At the time, I had no conscious recognition of what I was doing to myself. I wanted to be ‘nice’ instead of being ‘real.’ It took a great toll on my body, self-esteem and relationships.

Are you “numbing out” because you don’t want to face your anger or deep feelings of abandonment about your father? Are you over-eating, over-working, addicted to something that takes your mind off of your pain? If so, now is the time to get real, go deep, take responsibility for the way your life looks now, so you can start receiving the love you crave as a human being and that you deserve.

Here are two tools to help you start moving from un-forgiveness to forgiveness:

1. Start with self-forgiveness. When I hated my father, I hated a part of myself. Not only because he gave me my life, but also, because I somehow felt that because I trusted and loved him at one time, that meant that I was stupid and therefore, not to be trusted in making decisions. My anger at him turned inward and developed into mistrust and anger at myself.

During my Graduate Studies in Spiritual Psychology at The University of Santa Monica, where I earned a Master’s Degree in 2001, I learned a simple tool to help me to love and to forgive myself.

Here’s an example of what I wrote to bring about self-forgiveness:
I, Brenda, forgive myself for judging myself as stupid for trusting my father to do the right thing.

Then I reframed this judgment into a positive statement:
The truth is that it is perfectly okay to have loved and trusted my father.

I repeated this until I believed it and it took the edge off.

This is the format to use:

I,_______, forgive myself for judging myself as_________.
The truth is________________.

2. Free form writing. I didn’t write for three years after my mom died. I kept all the angry thoughts, delusions and dark fantasies in my head. It was the most detrimental and darkest place I have ever been in my life. One night when I couldn’t sleep I started putting down on the page all my rage, fear, and grief. This truly was the start of my feeling good again.

Set time aside to write out your emotions. Put on some soothing music. Write until there is no more to write. And if it is really dark, go ahead and throw it away. Just get rid of that energy. You’ll be surprised at how much better you will start to feel. Or, if you haven’t been in touch with your feelings because you’ve suppressed them; give yourself permission to have them surface in your journal. Are you angry that your father abandoned you? Are you angry that he left? Cheated? Whatever it is, I encourage you to give those feelings and thoughts a voice. You can start experiencing more love in your relationships now, if you are willing to do the work to let go of the past. Get present and find freedom. Stay present and live free every day.

Coaching Challenge: Take an honest look at your life. Which relationships are working and which aren’t? Why? Are there any unconscious beliefs in charge of your life, or is your present-minded, whole self in the lead? If it’s the former and there are negative beliefs, do the work to bring awareness to them. This present, mindful place is where you need to be in order to bring lasting change into your life.

Above all, be kind to yourself while you do this work. Is there something nice that you can do for yourself today? What’s stopping you? Go for it right now.

Paying Attention to Guidance

I am so excited to announce that I will be performing my one-woman show, My Brooklyn Hamlet, regularly in Los Angeles starting the second Thursday in February. It’s going to be at a wonderful theatre called bang Comedy Theatre in Hollywood.

Let me give you a little background on how graceful it was for this production to come into being.

I moved back here in the beginning of October and knew I wanted to put my one-woman show up but had been very busy with other things. You know how life kind of gets in the way? I didn’t sit down and write my goals out. ( I have before) I didn’t put up a vision board. I didn’t do research. I did however have a very strong intention and thought about my show from time to time. I continued doing my spiritual practice and living with gratitude.

One day I mentioned to a new friend that I am assisting with at The University of Santa Monica that I had a show and he said, Oh, why don’t you check out bang!? Immediately I remembered that years ago, before I had completed the first version of my show I had performed ten-minutes of it at a night of ten-minute shows held at the theatre. I thanked him and then I didn’t do anything more. Why you ask? Well, because I would have to honestly say that follow-through can be a challenge for me. There’s so much to do and so much information, where do you start? You know what I mean?

But then something happened.

I had started writing my memoir in November so as I went to my office that evening to look through old journals for content I randomly opened to a page dated in 2000 that said I just came home from performing my show at bang!. Okay, are you getting this? I couldn’t ignore that I got two messages from two different places about bringing my show to bang! in the same day. I went online, looked up the artistic director who remembered my show, sent her my DVD, we met and she booked the show. Woohoo!

Today, look and listen for answers to your questions in unusual places and follow your instincts.
And if you experience a synchronicity or two like I did let me know.

Forgive and Be Free,

Brenda

The 5 Top Reasons to Never Forgive and Why You Must

I have been performing my one-woman play, My Brooklyn Hamlet, on and off since 2000. It is based on my journey from deep despair and darkness to acceptance and peace after my father (whom I adored) shot and killed my mother (my best friend) and subsequently married my mother’s sister.

After each performance, I lead a Q & A session. I also offer live workshops on the power of forgiving the unforgivable. After seeing the show, audience members share about their hearts opening. They reveal how they have gained more compassion for the people in their lives and for themselves. As they release their self-defenses, they see how the resentments they have held tight to have been stifling them.

There are some people that still refuse to forgive. Comments such as, “How can you forgive your aunt for what she did?” and “Why do you need to forgive your mother too?” express their outrage and confusion.

My answers to those two questions are simple, but not easy.
1. Forgiveness is for me. It sets me free.
2. I chose to forgive my mother, as well as my father,becaue I realized that I was still angry with her for the role model she was for me of how it was okay to be mistreated by a loved one.

Now a question for you: What are the reasons you cannot forgive?

Listed below are the 5 top reasons audience members, workshop participants and coaching clients have given over the years, in attempts to justify not giving forgiveness and the reasons why the present moment is the time to start.

Reason to Not Forgive: If I forgive this person I am condoning what he or she did.
Reason to Forgive: Forgiveness is for you, not them. It sets you free.

Reason to Not Forgive: My anger assures me that this person will never be in my life again.
Reason to Forgive: Your anger assures you that this person is constantly in your life through either obsessive thinking about them or suppressing your thoughts about them.

Reason to Not Forgive: If I forgive them, they will hurt me again.
Reason to Forgive: Being angry and unforgiving actually increases the odds of you being triggered emotionally (being upset) by something else that they do.

Reason to Not Forgive: Who would I be if I forgave them?
Reason to Forgive: You wouldn’t be the same person who holds a grudge, lives in fear and needs a wall up to protect yourself. Your open heart, good judgment and healthy boundaries would lead to a life of more joy and a freer self.

Reason to Not Forgive: What happened to me or a loved one was just too horrible.
Reason to Forgive: It was horrible. In order for you to create the beautiful and empowering life that you desire, you need to acknowledge that. You need to grieve what was lost and what was taken from you. You must learn how to release those parts of yourself that are shrouded in darkness and pain.

Please take a moment to think about which reason rings most true for you or for someone whom you care about who might also be stuck in “unforgiveness” right now.

And remember, forgiveness is a process not an event.

Instead of reliving the past by constantly judging it, and wishing it were different; with forgiveness, you will be able to move into the freedom of the present which is a most precious gift.

© Copyright 2009 Brenda Adelman

Want to reprint this article in your ezine or website? You may, as long as it remains intact and you include this complete blurb with it: Brenda Adelman, MA in Spiritual Psychology, The Queen of Forgiveness, teaches people who have a lot to offer but are stuck, how to become present, enjoy more success and peace in their relationships and lives by letting go of old and new resentments using the art of forgiveness. For FREE tips on how to finally be happy and free visit www.forgivenessandfreedom.com.

Forgiveness and A Course in Miracles

I’ve been reading A Course in Miracles again.

When I moved to Sedona years ago I got through to Lesson 68. That was around the time that I first noticed miracles happening all the time in my life. I’m only on Day 8 of the lessons now. I’m reading the book from start to finish while I’m studying the lessons and it has already had such a profound impact on the way I am looking at my life. I’m experiencing a freedom in my thinking all the time.

I’m wondering why I didn’t continue doing the 365 lessons years ago. Well, if you’ve read the course you know it is dense, so that might be part of it. But I think it has more to do with self-sabotage.

Can you think of something that you’ve done it the past that was working and then for no apparent reason you stopped?

I can think of scores of things.

How about you? Was it a healthy diet that you were following where you felt energized and looked great and then stopped abruptly? Was it a spiritual practice like meditation that you did regularly and then abandoned? Did you journal about your feelings and then just stop? Stop exercising?

I realize human nature and life sometimes get in the way. Doesn’t it sometimes seem like there just isn’t enough time?

The thing is when we do something good for ourselves we really are rewarded, with good health (mental and physical), with tangible success-like the creation of a product or a business venture…you get what I’m saying.

So, I challenge you today to pick back up something that you have abandoned that brought you joy, peace or a sense of accomplishment in the past and re-commit.

And I’ll leave you with a few lines from A Course in Miracles to think about:

“You who want peace can find it only by complete forgiveness. No learning is acquired by anyone unless he wants to learn it and believes in some way he needs it. ..

You can never control the effects of fear yourself because you made fear and you believe in what you made…..

All aspects of fear are untrue because they do not exist at the creative level, and therefore do not exist at all…”

(VI. The Illusion of Needs pg 13-14)

Forgive and Be Free,

Brenda

Dysfunctional family, Festivities, and The Power of Forgiveness

Holidays are meant to be happy, joyous, and life-affirming times. Filled with joy and gratitude we return home to our families, fill our bellies with delicious food and our hearts with cheer. Right?

Well, truth be told that in most cases this just isn’t true. Instead of happiness, anger brews. Instead of joy, tolerance rules. Instead of gratitude, resentment surfaces.

Here are three reasons for this:

1. Unhealed issues between family members have never been addressed and dealt with in a safe and healthy way. Oftentimes, years of repressed anger (which turns into unforgiveness) surfaces just by being physically around the person who hurt you previously.
2. Many bitter divorces leave children in a state of anger toward one of their parents, unconsciously or consciously taking sides. It’s a residual affect from growing up with a parent who spewed anger at the parent who left and/or feeling abandoned by your parents.
3. People don’t honor their own intuition that is telling them to stay away from the family gathering this year. They believe they don’t have a choice. When a person feels they don’t have a choice, they almost automatically blame someone else, find a way to justify their unconscious and unowned choice, and then beat themselves up.

Then they add insult to injury by refusing to forgive themselves for continuing to make choices that are not self-honoring.

This year can be different….if you act differently.

Below I have listed three ways to prepare for your holiday visit so you experience more joy, more gratitude and more peace.

1. Prepare yourself emotionally for the visit.

Know who your enemies are. These are the family members who wreak havoc on your self-esteem. You don’t even know why, but you feel bad about yourself when you are around them.

• Plan to limit your time with them.
• If you know that you’ll have to spend some time with them, think of some topics you could talk about that won’t push your buttons.
• Don’t engage in codependent conversations and behaviors with them. For example: If Aunt Ida starts talking about your ex-husband who was no good to you in front of your new boyfriend who is standing next to you, I give you permission to not only ignore her, but walk away while she is in mid-sentence. (Bring your boyfriend with you.) If this is too much of a stretch for you, instead smile and when you can cut-in (preferably within a minute) say, “Excuse me,” and physically leave . DO NOT ENGAGE in the conversation!  She’ll get the hint.  Be kind and forgive yourself for judging Aunt Ida and try forgiving Aunt Ida too (she’s doing the best she can) – but don’t give her the opening to belittle you again.

2. Stay in balance when others are acting crazy.

Are you the only sane one in the family? Do you sometimes question how that is? Partly it’s because you’ve been able to distance yourself from your crazy family members and set up healthy boundaries with them. You don’t have to regress just because you are around them.

• Make sure to find time to sit in silence for a few minutes each day. Meditate if you can. Guided meditations are great because they help stop the mind talk that’s going on so you can really relax. From that relaxed state you can gain perspective and see the bigger picture. If you are having trouble staying present, contemplate the word self-forgiveness in your silence.
• Remove yourself physically. If family members are drinking and getting nasty, go outside or take a walk. If you have a car, go to a movie. Give yourself space.
• Visualize how you would like each day to go. How would you like to feel physically and emotionally? Setting an intention for a well-balanced day is a very powerful technique that can be used throughout your entire visit. Do it at night or in the morning when you wake up.

3. How to deal with your anger so it doesn’t hurt you.

So you’ve been visualizing all good, limiting your time with Aunt Ida, not reacting in those heated moments but you are angry and, because you haven’t expressed it, you feel frustrated and mad. Following are a couple of things to do for your relief and healing:

• Keep a journal. If you are triggered and haven’t dealt directly with the family member who angered you I want to congratulate you. Why do the same old fight again? But it is important that you let the anger you are feeling out in a healthy way. Write it all down onto the page. The curse words, the reasons. Write until you have no more energy on it.
• Find a gym where you can work the energy out of your system in a healthy way.
• If someone has crossed a line and you can’t seem to get back in balance give yourself permission to leave and not see this person again until you’ve cooled down. That might mean you don’t see the person for another year or ever. Sometimes you can handle the anger in therapy or with a time-out and reconcile with the person in the future. And if in the moment you expressed your anger how about being kind to yourself in the aftermath instead of beating yourself up? Forgive yourself and learn the lesson so you can act differently next time.

4. How to support yourself if you make the decision to spend the holidays alone.

Congratulations! This is a really tough decision to make and it is brave and courageous. You are changing a family pattern that has become a habit. You’ve made a choice to not spend time with your dysfunctional family and instead you are taking care of yourself first.

This is not for everyone because there are consequences and the person making this decision has to be ready to take full responsibility for their actions. However, once you make this decision and own it and do your forgiveness work (self and otherwise) you are fully empowered and a whole new world of joy and possibility opens up.

• Decide to be of service. Find a food bank, a homeless shelter, or a children’s hospital where you can spend your time and share your love where it is not only needed but appreciated too. Forgive your family (send loving thoughts their way) so you can be present with the good you are adding to this world through your loving service.
• Nurture yourself. Spend the money you would have spent on tickets and travel to get a massage, go to a spa, spend the day at a museum.
• Hold a dinner party at your home and invite others who can’t or who have decided not to spend the holidays with their families this year. There are so many people who are single, have lost their parents, or can’t spend the money to go home – be family for each other this holiday season.

You’ve just learned three reasons that might be unconsciously sabotaging your holidays. And I gave you four practical ways to bring more joy, more balance, and cheer to your life.

As Shakespeare says, ‘This above all else: To thine own self always be true.”

Happy Holidays.

© Copyright 2008 Brenda Adelman, www.forgivenessandfreedom.com

Want to reprint this article in your ezine or website? You may, as long as it remains intact and you include this complete blurb with it: Brenda Adelman, MA in Spiritual Psychology, The Queen of Forgiveness, teaches people who have a lot to offer but are stuck, how to become present, enjoy more success and peace in their relationships and lives by letting go of old and new resentments using the art of forgiveness. For FREE tips on how to finally be happy and free visit www.forgivenessandfreedom.com.

I Have a Dream….

I have a dream that one day no man or woman will be judged by who they love, but how they love.

The passing of Prop. 8 in California which stripped civil rights from gay Americans and the subsequent passing of other legislation in Arizona, Florida and Arkansas, where they passed a law to disallow gay people from adopting children or fostering children breaks my heart. First I was in shock, disbelief that fellow Americans in this day and age could vote with prejudice. Then I was angry and felt righteous in my anger toward my ‘so called’ enemies, the people who didn’t see my expression of love as beautiful. Isn’t love-when it is true and between two conscious consenting adults always beautiful?

Behind my anger was a deep sadness and a broken heart. I couldn’t see the good in the people who took my rights (because I am in a loving relationship with a woman) and the rights of my brothers and sisters in this nation away by the filling in of a circle on a voting form. I reached out to many straight friends and what I received was an outpouring of love, compassion and understanding. In their disappointment I realized that there is hope and we are moving forward as a nation, even though the shadow of inequality towards gay people has moved to the surface and it is hard to accept emotionally.

Now–being thought of as the Queen of Forgiveness, I had to remind myself that I believe in forgiveness whole-heartedly and I knew that there was an opportunity here for me to forgive myself for all judgments present. There were the judgments against the people I called the ‘oppressors’, the people who voted for these discriminatory propositions and the self-judgment I still have about my own sexuality that I picked up unconsciously from growing up in a nation where we are taught that love between two people of the same sex is wrong.

Some of my learnings: The people I have named as my enemies cannot be forgiven by me as long as I see them as my enemies. I started seeing them as people, with families, with deep belief systems set in place- just like me. You see, I was judging them and seeing them as objects/ obstacles. When we view people like that it closes down our own hearts. And one thing I know for sure is that I intend to live with an open heart and with joy. I will still take the action I need to take (like marching for my rights and the rights of other gay people) and perhaps my next one-woman show will be about my sexuality and these civil rights issues. Miracles can happen during these times. We just witnessed a paradigm shift with the election of our new President. Go Obama!

Now it is time to heal the ‘gay’ issue once and for all. Being a Jewish woman I have to clarify that I don’t mean healing it for the last time by ‘killing it’ (Remember the Nazi’s and how they dealt with the Jewish problem) By the way, when you tell people they are wrong for how they love-you are killing their sense of self-worth and adding to the isolation that people feel in this world. Healing has to do with acceptance, love and awareness.

I have a dream, one day no man or woman will be judged by who they love, but how well they love.

Forgive and Be Free,

Brenda