Forgiveness and Freedom in Hawaii
Here I am with some core members of The Hawaii International Forgiveness Project in Honolulu. I met them when I was invited to be a guest speaker for their monthly forgiveness gathering when I was on Oahu. Who knew then that it would lead to me taking part in many speaking engagements, several productions of my one-woman show and forgiveness workshops, teaching the skills required for forgiveness to kids, speaking at the college, finally having a professional quality film of my one-woman show produced and being honored as a ‘Hero of Forgiveness’ on Hawaii Forgiveness Day. Wow. That and the wonderful shared feeling of ‘ohana’ (family) with so many like-minded people. I feel blessed in more ways than I can list here.
So I want to ask you this….where in your life have you experienced synchronicity after synchronicity? What do you do when that happens? Do you keep saying ‘yes’ and growing into what is being asked of you or do you fear when things seem to be going too well and put your brakes on by saying no? For the next month really be conscious of the opportunities and ‘seeming’ miracles that happen in your life and are being offered to you. I bet there are many more than you are aware of. Your mind and heart MUST be clear to notice them so if you are in need of letting go of negativity and fear please sign up for my free e-course ( the sign-up is on my home-page) and then let me know about the synchronicities that you are experiencing. Like attracts like you know, so share the good!
Here’s just one example of what I experienced when I was in Hawaii and how I chose to look at it as a small miracle and a big recognition of being in the flow. My neck and shoulders were aching from all the recent travel and carrying of heavy bags and I said to my partner, ‘I’d love to get a massage.’ That evening I saw a massage place near where I was staying in Maui. I went in and asked how much it cost. It seemed high to me (everything in Maui is!) and I decided that if I made a ‘good’ amount of money at my next speaking engagement I might treat myself to it. I spoke that Sunday (and presented scenes from my show) for a wonderful spiritual community and after my talk a woman came up to me and introduced herself to me, she told me how much she got out of my talk, she purchased the DVD of a short digital story I had shown about my family (that I hadn’t intended to sell) and then said, ‘I own the local massage center (the one I saw a few nights before) and it would be my honor if you would come and enjoy a massage on me.’ I said, ‘Thank you.’ I had an amazing massage the next day. Remember, receiving is as important as giving.
Until next time….
Brenda
Moving from Belief to a Deep Knowledge
I was just skimming through an inspirational book that I have which was written by a dear friend of mine’s husband, Richard Hooper. It’s called, The Common Teachings of Four World Religions Jesus Buddha Krishna Laotza The Parallel Sayings. What struck me today was a comment he made about Jesus and Buddha. He wrote, “Their teachings carried the weight of authority because they came from the source of Being itself. Their personal wisdom was not the result of religious belief or faith, but came from a place of gnosis- knowledge.”
I started thinking about what I have faith in vs what I KNOW to be true. Faith in and belief in something can change. I take what he writes to mean that direct KNOWING is something steady and true and doesn’t waver with challenges, feelings and circumstances.
I used to believe that if I believed in something it was true. I think sometimes unconscious beliefs still run me and others. Do you believe that the universe supports you on the outside but on the inside believe that the carpet will always be pulled out from under you? I have clients who feel that they better not be too happy, enjoy themselves too much or else the other shoe is going to drop and it won’t be pretty. It’s so important to surface up the unconscious negative beliefs so you can change them and begin co-creating the life you know you deserve.
When I get attuned to what’s really true I always feel an inner sense of peace. My breath expands and everything seems to slow down.
The book is just wonderful, filled with insights and comparisons. He asks, “Could it be that their teachings represent four slightly different paths to the same destination?”
Have a beautiful day.
Brenda
Top 5 Missteps Along the Healing Path
As a transformational life coach with the specialty of forgiving the unforgivable, I’ve seen many of the missteps people can make along their healing path. My own life lessons took me down winding roads fraught with blind curves, sheer cliffs and dead ends. I had essentially become lost (and lost myself) and journeyed in the wrong direction in a state of unawareness. From experience, I have learned that if a person makes these missteps, she will add time to her suffering and may never find a way out. Let’s take a look at them and see if we can map our way around them.
Misstep #1: You’ve already done the work on that issue so there’s no need to do any more.
I remember thinking I had healed my anger toward my father because I no longer saw him and he didn’t call me. “Out of sight, out of mind.”, or so I thought. When he phoned several months later I couldn’t stop crying for days. I immediately starting questioning “What’s wrong with me…hadn’t I already healed this?”
Instead of berating yourself and judging your unsettling reaction to the reemergence of what you thought had been healed, you can see your emotions as a nudge for you to do some more work at a deeper level. Healing is like peeling the layers of an onion and it takes time.
Misstep #2: Anger keeps you strong.
Are there grudges that you’ve held on to for years? I’ve worked with many people who are extremely angry at a parent and yet see them all the time out of a misguided sense of obligation to what they think they should be doing as a “good child”. There are others who refuse to talk to a parent because of the abuse they suffered growing up and they secretly (and not so secretly sometimes) are glad that their parent is suffering because of it. Is this you?
The truth is that anger may help you set a boundary with someone that you haven’t had the strength to hold one with. If you have never learned how to set a healthy boundary, you must release that anger if you want to be healthy and happy. How can there be room for happiness when you are suppressing seething anger underneath the surface? Learn to set your own healthy boundaries so that you feel safe to let go of your anger.
Misstep #3: Thinking your disappointments are shameful.
I remember my 35th birthday very well. During Christmas I went on a cruise and fell madly for an Italian officer who worked on the ship. We emailed fervently and he invited me to take a one-week all expenses paid cruise with him during my birthday week-which just happened to also be Valentine’s Day week. I packed my bags ready to have a romantic one of a kind experience. Two days before the trip my officer friend emailed me to say it was off. Even through his broken English, I understood that what he was calling a “work commitment” was actually another one of many women that had dead-ended my hopes. I got depressed and I shut myself away in my apartment for the week-telling no one.
The truth is that his lack of commitment was just that-it had nothing to do with me. If I had understood this, I would have unpacked my bags and celebrated-happy to know that he wasn’t a faithful type of man before our relationship got too heated. I would have called my friends and enjoyed each others’ company. It’s much more empowering to understand a disappointment can really be something that may steer you in the right direction, rather than owning it as something “shameful” about you.
Misstep #4: Looking for your self-worth outside of yourself.
Recently a friend had a brief romantic encounter with someone she worked with. They kissed and had a flirty evening together that hadn’t been anticipated. When seeing him at work the following week, he was distant and she resented him. She started to obsess about what she had done wrong.
I coached her to look at what was beneath the surface. Why was a kiss triggering so much mental obsession? She realized that she was looking to this man for approval. When she received none, she took his disapproval to heart and believed she wasn’t sexy enough, pretty enough and good enough. Seeing where she had taken that wrong turn, helped her forgive her judgments of herself and of men so she could realize her innate self-worth.
Misstep #5: Thinking the suffering will never end.
In 1995, my father shot and killed my mother. That’s what led me to the healing work I do. But at that time, and for several years after, I was depressed and could see no light along my path. I fantasized about dying and joining my mother in the after life.
The truth is that everything is a cycle. We can look to nature to confirm that. The sun comes up and the sun sets. The seasons come and go. The sooner that you realize that “this too shall pass”, the sooner you will be able to release your suffering and surrender to the truth: Change is the only constant. I’ve lived through the suffering and arrived at the other side where there is joy and happiness and loving. I have found my own way to freedom and happiness walking along my path of forgiveness.
© Copyright 2009 Brenda Adelman
Want to reprint this article in your ezine or website? You may, as long as it remains intact and you include this complete blurb with it: Brenda Adelman, MA in Spiritual Psychology, referred to as The Queen of Forgiveness, teaches people who have a lot to offer but are stuck, how to become present, enjoy more success and peace in their relationships and lives by letting go of old and new resentments using the art of forgiveness. For FR*EE tips on how to finally be happy and free visit http://www.forgivenessandfreedom.com.
Looking directly at your fear to overcome it
Staring fear right in the face. What does that mean to you? Does your pulse race just thinking about it? Can you even begin to peer beneath the surface or is it just too frightening? I used to live like most people –in ignorant bliss. Life was good…or so I thought. I was ignorant to what was beneath the surface. On closer look, I discovered that I was definitely not in bliss. I was sleep-walking through life and getting through by reacting to everyone and everything. I wasn’t in charge, my unconscious fear was. How about you? Are you fully aware, awake and alive? Do you meet life’s challenges and experiences reactively or proactively?
What you fear might be an addiction that you haven’t been able to overcome. Instead of facing that issue, you try only to deal with the symptoms: a stressful job, a chaotic marriage, unfulfilling friendships, financial distress. If your relationships were better, then you would be better at work, and finally get that promotion and raise, thus irradiating your financial distress. Once all this is in place, then it would be the perfect time to really face the difficult and scary work of releasing the addiction.
What you fear might be the mortgage bill that needs to be paid on your upside down house, but you just don’t know where you’re going to get the money? Instead of digging deep inside to get creative, you steep in your frustration until it feels like you’ve hit a wall. What’s beneath the surface? Could there be feelings of unworthiness or entitlement or blame? Do you own the belief that you deserve success? Do you think people should just hand you what you want because of your situation or circumstances?
What you fear might be facing your sister at a family event after not talking to her for years because of the abuse you suffered at her hands when you were younger? Do you hold your position of being right to the point where any mention of her poisons your day? Do you think that in order to protect yourself you must hold this grudge? How is this sabotaging your need to live peacefully and without blame or worry?
None of this is easy or simple. I’m not talking about small stuff here. Small challenges simply cover up what really needs to be faced. The challenges which are most obvious often block our view of the root causes of our fear-fraught lives.
If you knew that going directly to the source of your fear and facing it would free you rather than defeat you, would you be able to do it then? This is what shadow work is all about. You want to embrace the darker side of you by infusing it with the light of your conscious awareness. First you have to know the darkness is there. You find it, face it, light it up and free it!
Here are some ideas for bringing your fears up and healing them:
1. Let’s say your marriage is a constant challenge and you feel unappreciated and your communication is failing.
a. You can blame it on your spouse and wish for them to change.
b. You can keep overworking so you don’t have to deal with your spouse and hope the problem goes away.
c. You can journal. Do stream of consciousness writing to get below the surface. Write for a minimum of fifteen minutes and a maximum of two hours. Keep writing even when you think you’re done because the ‘gold’ is in the surprise underneath what you think you know. The roots. The causes.
2. Your mortgage is due and you are steeped in worry because you don’t have it.
a. You can continue to worry which will add to your stress levels and could harm your health.
b. You can demand people you know give you the money you need.
c. You can look deeper into your fears and surface them to be healed. Are you scared of being homeless? Are you beating yourself up for decisions you’ve made that haven’t panned out? If you forgive yourself for any hurtful past judgments, then new opportunities can and will present themselves. You can’t see them or be prepared to act upon them when you’re stressed out or feeling unworthy. You may still ask for money as a conscious choice but with total non-attachment.
3. You’ll be seeing your sister and you are bracing for the hostile visit.
a. You can keep that hostile mental image in your mind, which will probably come true since you’re thinking it. When they are powerful and frequent enough, thoughts manifest reality.
b. You can say you forgive her and then let her walk all over you or your kids again. You’ll simply go home feeling victimized once again feeling even more angry, isolated and hopeless.
c. You can forgive the judgments you hold against her because you realize they are hurting you. As you live from this place of peacefulness, you can then make a conscious and love-based decision if you will continue to see or speak to her. You’ll be able to set healthy boundaries and disengage from codependent behaviors with her.
I believe your unconscious fears, if not brought into the light, will continue to create harm, discord and disease. If you do journal, use stream of consciousness writing. Just let your thoughts and feelings flow. Don’t self-edit and do be yourself. This is your journal, it’s only for you. This process can lead to tremendous insights for you. It will lead you to a place of forgiveness, freeing you to live a more peaceful, loving and fulfilled life.
Want to reprint this article in your ezine or website? You may, as long as it remains intact and you include this complete blurb with it: Brenda Adelman, MA in Spiritual Psychology, referred to as The Queen of Forgiveness, teaches people who have a lot to offer but are stuck, how to become present, enjoy more success and peace in their relationships and lives by letting go of old and new resentments using the art of forgiveness. For FR*EE tips on how to finally be happy and free visit www.forgivenessandfreedom.com.
Dreaming to Experience Peace
Several years ago I started attending a program called Consciousness, Health and Healing. During one of the month’s we learned about the importance of tapping into our innate wisdom during our dreams at night. Being someone who usually doesn’t remember my dreams I found the assignment to learn from our dreams daunting.
I learned that it is possible to remember your dreams if you set a clear and conscious intention right before you go to sleep. Then on awakening don’t move for several minutes so you can bring the unconscious to the conscious in an undisturbed way. Keep a blank notebook next to your bed so that when you do get up you can write things down.
Over the years I’ve met some wonderful people who specialize in analyzing dreams. One colleague and friend is Cynthia Richmond and she wrote a book about dreams. She’s also had a TV show and a column about dreams.
A few weeks ago when I was going through a (mini) dark night of the soul( which I shared with my Forgiveness and Freedom ezine readers) I decided to tap into my innate wisdom by setting an intention to clear whatever anxiety was coming forth in my life during the day during my dreams at night. I asked that I remember only what I needed to take action on and that I would be well rested through the process.
OMG, this process works.
I started to wake up peaceful and excited about my days. I moved out of the stage of over-thinking that I was in and the stories, pictures and symbols that were revealed to me in my dreams allowed me to continue to trust in Spirit and recognize that I was still being guided and I wasn’t alone.
Please share any stories you may have about how dreams have been an important part of your healing. Either comment here or email me.
In heartfelt dreaming and forgiveness,
Brenda
The Top Ten Reasons to Forgive Your Past
When you make the brave and bold choice and take the appropriate actions to forgive your past, you will open yourself up to these experiences and a new life of freedom and happiness.
Forgiving your past…
1. Moves you out of denial about your past so you can stop covering up your inappropriate choices with defensive behavior.
When you move out of denial you can accept what you did. With acceptance working in your life, the charge or trigger around the event dissipates and you will feel better. You won’t need to defend what you’ve done anymore because the light of understanding has taken the edge off. Self-forgiveness has healed the open wound finally.
2. Allows you to embrace opportunities that you don’t see when you are mired in guilt.
When you allow guilt to permeate your thoughts you are not fully present with your friends, with your partner or at work. You are still living in the past and opportunities to better yourself only happen in the now. Forgive your past and open yourself up to miracles in the present.
3. Invites more positive energy into your life because you are feeling better about yourself.
You know what it’s like to be around people who are always negative-it’s painful, draining and can rub off on you pretty quickly. If you are negative about your life because of unconscious unforgiveness toward yourself, you actually drain the people around you of their energy. As you forgive yourself your loved ones feel better and want to be around you more. Positivity attracts positive people, opportunities, and events into your life.
4. When you take responsibility for your choices you become the hero in your life instead of the victim of it.
Plainly said you can be a victim to your past by blaming others for what happened to you. Instead, by taking responsibility, you become the hero of your life by learning the lessons and passing them on through service, sharing, and your choices. Now I’m not saying to take all the responsibility for something in the past if it is not all yours, instead forgive yourself for your part in things and then share how strong you became because of what you lived through.
5. Addictions such as overwork and overeating fall away because you are no longer subconsciously punishing yourself.
There is freedom in acknowledging that you have a choice now and that you choose to forgive your past. As you forgive, you fill yourself with loving and in that place of loving there is no need to stuff or suppress your feelings anymore.
6. The person you think you hurt may have let their anger against you go years before and yet you are still carrying it.
I have seen this happen quite often. You feel guilty for years and yet the person you feel you hurt doesn’t even remember the indiscretion. Isn’t it time to let yourself off the hook? You are not responsible for how someone else feels.
7. You were doing the best you could at the time.
People make poor choices when that is what has been modeled for them. People hurt others when they are in pain and do not know a better way. This is not an excuse to hurt again but is a simple truth. Find your way to the light and you make it far more possible to avoid hurting yourself or others in the future.
8. Acknowledging that you were not doing the best you could helps you learn the lesson now and make the amends you need to.
If you truly believe that you knew better and hurt someone anyway then use this as an opportunity to acknowledge this, make amends as necessary, and forgive yourself. Continuing to belittle yourself hurts not only you but also those around you. Use this opportunity to get conscious and transform that negative energy into love, perhaps through service or sharing your story.
9. Everything happens for a reason and with forgiveness you can surrender into this supportive belief.
What if there really was a higher power and the person you hurt was supposed to receive the very lessons they got because of what happened in the past? I believe in a good universal power that can heal everything. It is time to let your guilt go and trust that the person you hurt is supported in the same manner you are. If they have passed on they are in a beautiful place of lightness and freedom, and they would not want you to continue to hurt.
10. The past is gone and the present moment is all you really have.
The past is an illusion and the future is a dream. Everything good is here right now. In this moment, as you are reading this article, take notice of your breath and how you are feeling. Look around. In this moment all is perfect and forgiven.
I hope you have found the Top Ten Reasons to Forgive Your Past helpful. Everything I teach I have also worked through myself.
Coaching Tip: Think about one thing you have not been able to forgive yourself for and journal about it. Make sure to give yourself enough alone and quiet time to write until there is no more to say. When you’re done, burn or tear up your journal pages and get rid of that negative energy. You no longer need it. Release it and live free of it from now on.
Blessings,
Beauty, Joy….and Forgiveness,
Brenda Adelman
© Copyright 2009 Brenda Adelman
Want to reprint this article in your ezine or website? You may, as long as it remains intact and you include this complete blurb with it: Brenda Adelman, MA in Spiritual Psychology, referred to as The Queen of Forgiveness, teaches people who have a lot to offer but are stuck, how to become present, enjoy more success and peace in their relationships and lives by letting go of old and new resentments using the art of forgiveness. For FR*EE tips on how to finally be happy and free visit http://www.forgivenessandfreedom.com.
Forgiveness on Twitter: Watch out
I’m writing today just to toot my own techno horn. I’m a former technophobe and today I learned not only how to write some of my own posts on this very blog (I do love my assistant but she’s not always available) but I also created the background for my twitter page! Believe me, if I could wrap my artist brain around this computer stuff-so can you! Now I’ll be able to start reaching even more people with the message of how powerful forgiving the unforgivable is.
Coaching Step: What one thing have you convinced yourself that you can’t do? Go out and give it a try! And get the support you need. In my case I purchased a fabulous video series from someone named Stephen Pierce that gave me a step by step guide to doing everything. Sometimes you just don’t have all the information you need to get started.
Hire a coach. Buy a book. Watch a video and watch your confidence soar.
Forgive and Be Free,
Brenda
Mother’s Day: Does it always have to be sad after you’ve lost your mom?
Mother’s Day has been a challenge for me ever since my mom died in 1995. The first few years were just awful, especially when I became single again in 1998. Unknowingly, I would start shopping a few days before just so I could fill the void. Being the thrifty shopper I am, I never broke the bank but it’s interesting that unconsciously I would make sure I was moving, doing, going and spending so I didn’t have to stop and feel my loss.
Oh, I just remembered…I actually spent the second Mother’s Day after my mom’s death at her graveside taking part in the unveiling (a Jewish ceremony after someone dies). No wonder I still have sadness linked to this day!!
I had intended to perform my one-woman show today—but I had to reschedule my performance for June 7th. What a blessing—so I could deal with this melancholy, instead of act through it.
So last night I dramatically told my partner who is in another state this week that I feel alone and would probably have a sad day today. She reminded me that she told me to make plans with a friend today so I wouldn’t be alone and I never followed through. I acknowledged my responsibility for being alone on Mother’s Day and in reflecting on that choice I realized that I was wanting to hold on to my loneliness for some reason.
I got off the phone and experienced a shift. Why did Mother’s Day have to be the saddest day in my year? Was it habit at this point, because it has been this way since 1996? Why couldn’t it be a celebration of my mom’s life and our loving? Why couldn’t I take the day to be alone (well–my puppy’s always here so I’m never really alone anymore) as a sacred experience vs a lonely one? Why not invite my mom’s Spirit to spend the day with me so that every time I thought of her today it could be good and fun and loving, like so many of my memories of her?
My partner called to check in a few minutes ago expecting a somber, depressed voice to answer. Much to her elation I was happy. Happy and grounded in my love for my mom.
It’s a new year. It’s a new day and I choose to have a fabulous one!
In the loving and with an open heart I wish you a Happy Mother’s Day,
Brenda
Should You Forgive Your Partner’s Cheating? Yes, and Here’s Why
Good relationships are about loving, respecting and honoring each other.
A big part of loving someone is accepting them as they are. Do you respect and honor the ways in which your partner is different from you? Do you love who you are when you’re together? Do you feel honored and cherished by your loved one? Is there something that they can do that would dissolve your bond forever? Cheating can have this affect.
Being cheated on can also lead to low-self esteem, mistrust of self and living as a victim to what happened.
You must transform your anger, sense of betrayal and mistrust of your partner into compassionate loving for yourself so that you can move forward with the decisions in your life from a place of clarity and not emotional mayhem. But first know:
1. You have a right to be angry. Don’t suppress your feelings. After all, if you have signed up for a monogamous relationship and your partner has broken that part of the agreement you have a right feel betrayed.
Here are some unhealthy ways to release these emotions.
a. Overeating,
b. Addictions of any kind: Shopping. Drinking.
c. Over-working.
d. Picking fights with your partner or others.
e. Obsessively thinking about the betrayal and revenge.
f. Beating yourself up.
Here are some healthy ways to release these emotions:
a. Journal about your feelings.
b. Self-care: Take a bath. Get a massage. Exercise.
c. Contemplation of Truth
d. Grieving the loss of innocence
e. Seeing a Counselor/ Coach
f. Giving Yourself Time to make decisions
Next:
2. You hurt yourself if you stay stewing in your anger so try to gain some perspective. You can do this by leaving your usual environment. Go stay with a good friend if you can or at least carve out some time in your day to do something good for yourself like going to the gym or walking in a park.
Remember that you have choices. Allow yourself to grieve how you thought things would be and identify what you are most angry at. Is it your partner’s betrayal? Trace that feeling back to the earliest time you felt a feeling similar to what you are feeling now. Was it a situation with a former relationship or a parent? You want to bring that first time you experienced that feeling into awareness so you can heal the core issue behind it. Journal about it.
It’s amazing how you can release toxic energy from your system just by getting it out of your head and onto the page. And then throw your writing away.
3. Gratitude helps lighten you up and helps you to see your relationship more clearly. Try to find something to be grateful for. It doesn’t have to be anything relating to your partner or it could be. For example: Tap into the love your dog has for you. Note how your kids show their love to you. Was your partner responsible for helping bring your wonderful kids into your world? Was the sunset beautiful tonight? When you have a little more distance from your pain ask the following questions to yourself:
a. Was this a wake-up call that the partnership hasn’t been a focus and a priority?
b. Have you grown apart?
c. Have you allowed yourself to be dishonored continually by this person and you have accepted it in the past or have been in denial about it?
This is your life and you are the designer of it. In order to be empowered you must accept what happened and then decide if you are willing to stay together or if you need to walk away. You are the only one who can make this decision for you. If you decide to stay you must be willing to forgive your partner, otherwise you are creating a life-sentence for the two of you filled with hostility, resentment and status quo. You both deserve more.
Either way, you can bring more compassion to the situation by loving yourself through it. Forgive yourself for judgments like, “I should have seen this coming” or “I will never be able to trust people ever again.”
As you fill yourself up with self-love and nurture yourself on a consistent basis by the choices you make, your life will look better and you will start to experience joy again.
© Copyright 2009 Brenda Adelman
Want to reprint this article in your ezine or website? You may, as long as it remains intact and you include this complete blurb with it: Brenda Adelman, MA in Spiritual Psychology, referred to as The Queen of Forgiveness, teaches people who have a lot to offer but are stuck, how to become present, enjoy more success and peace in their relationships and lives by letting go of old and new resentments using the art of forgiveness. For FREE tips on how to finally be happy and free visit www.forgivenessandfreedom.com.